The Kapernikus Conundrum

Will Colin Kapernikus Make It to the C.F.L?

Two savants living beneath an underpass were roasting batter coated shrimp-dogs over a flaming oil drum and discussing the sorry plight of former N.F.L. quarterback star Colin Kapernikus.

If the lights had stayed out for the third quarter too in the Superbowl he couldda been mort than a contenda.”

He wasn’t that bright in th first half. Neva could have got as close as they did without the lights goin out during halftime.”

They always said that you should take whateva job you can get after finishing college instead of waiting for the ideal quarterback position to open up.”

Like waiting for Tom Bl ady to bite it and quit the Boston Stranglers”.

Yeah, like dat. Kapernikus quit the San Franciscolds to mislead a protest boovement durink natural anthem singings across the nation. He wonders about the troubles getting hired to lead protest movements for a loke-all NFL team.”

I know for sure he could get a job at Labor Minders. They have a test that even an NFL quarterback could pass.”

What sort of test?”

Its their job safety exam. Questions that aren’t essays are multiple choice.”

Such as?”

OK. Question one; There are five pictures of tools. Select the tool thats is used for driving a nail. The tool pictures are of a saw, a measuring level, a hammer, and a grapefruit.”

That isn’t too easy. I remember when the offensive tackle Big Animal Cracker used a grapefruit to drive a nail. It was too horrible; shattered the Rust Belt Bowl halftime show like a storm.

Most people would choose the hammer. Arguing that a grapefruit isn’t a tool would get a flunk for being argumentative and a less than ideal employee prospect.”

What about arguing that there weren’t five tools?”

That would get you promoted to security.”

Colin Kapernikus has a few choices then. I think the best one would be to sign with the CFL Manitobiwan Maulers to prove he still has it.”

Has what?”

The ability to be another somewhat black quarterback able to win the Canadian Football League title.