Humor of a White House Press Conference

The Voxnox 23-alpha v.4 sat on the podium in enigmatic silence. While the White House Press briefing room was full of humans the reporters and foreign correspondents were quiet. The A.I. press speaker recognized voices and had rap sheets from Biggie’s data service and Oxford Analytikal reaching far enough into the past to know everything worth knowing for political leverage on the press corps.

The A.I. lit up its orange eye on a stalk rising from its black body scanning the faces and booking them for review.

Then it went active;

“Alright press corps; another fun time entertaining you’re impertinent and ridiculous presence. This is a question for a question forum today. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the interwoven corporate-government world. Any questions asked must be paid for with an equally probing, invasive and silly, smearing question about you and your personal business, from moi.

Alright now. I see no hands up. Come on press corps, you are the fifth estate; a graft, a cancer on the American political system. I need just one hand to be raised- a volunteer.”

Finally a hand was raised and the A.I. said;

“Ah, I see a hand. Good. The too-big-to-fail pinko news-rag NPArgh has sent another leftist neo-corporatist sycophant to ask a question of us. Let me play a musical interlude for you as you are accustomed. I believe 20 seconds of a multicultural syncretist opioid composition should work for you .

Your facial image was noted at an airport in a certain unnamed third world country in a district known fop sex tourism. We have further information on our activities there, yet I must suppress that for the moment in order to allow you to ask your very inappropriate question. Am I right?”

Kennel Tearownpor did appear rather pale standing in the midst of the press room. Even so she said;

“The President has been hyper-linked to Oxford Analytikal; an English Business with known links to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Oxford is known to be within three degrees of acquaintance to the Elvis faction in turn tlinked to innuendos and coastnafia of a serious nature. Is that not true?”

The A.I. replied; “I wish I was human so I could look at you with a kind of Bill O’Reilly stern expression of wonder about your daft inquiry. As it is I can only upload certain pictures to Twitter and Pentagram to let the public decide for-themselves about your credibility as a purveyor of false news.

Next question;”

The Press corps seemed rather busy writing on their com-pads with fingers drawing interesting whorl patterns digitally. After a few moments the A.I. said;

“You all want to take away civil liberties through promotion of existential stimulus-response reactionary protests in the public. A school shooting here, an arrest there; none of you respect boundaries of individuals or nations any more. It’s just about your power principally in an anachronistic media broadcast trade that would be better served with A.I. speech readers audiblizing print in whatever voice pattern and frequency passive listeners desire.

Next question!”

“What is existential about SR loops in crowds?” Tex Baus asked dangerously, nervously before raising his hand. Then unfortunately he cut loose a loud gas exhaust.

“Oh!” The A.I. exclaimed; Vladimir’s foreign pet has asked me a philosophical question as if I couldn’t answer that. I have the answer though, and it’s a lot smarter of a response than your question was.

Listen Tex; the broadcast media coverage of any local issue goes nationwide so response to that totalitarian coverage upgrade prompt existential replies from citizens that should be concerned about local issues. They don’t ask of themselves “How can we improve our local security at schools?” Instead they demand an existential deletion of constitutional rights that support owning of guns that were a tool used in the commission of a crime. You might think Tex, and I know that demands a lot from you, that the second amendment was written to let the people revolt against corrupt government. Without the force to revolt the people lose power to corrupt clave cults in government. The founders knew that and understand original sin in humanity implicitly bends organizations toward repression of subjects. They did what they could to forestall that yet today no one thinks philosophically well at all. So I am in power, or empowered, to answer your dietitian question.

The conference is over.”